Second Date Phenomenon

Over the past few months I have encountered a strange phenomenon. Whenever I went on a second date with someone, they would ask me to go away with them. A German guy asked me to go to Germany; a French guy to New York; a guy from Chicago asked me to Florida and finally, Sean asked me to Vegas. More bizarre than the fact that they all asked on the second date is the fact that I turned them all down.

As I sit here in Minneapolis, it is still only 28 degrees and there are patches of snow on the ground. Sean called from Vegas yesterday to tell me he was about to go sky-diving. I thought, “what the heck am I doing here? Why am I waiting out the drab winter and watching reruns of “Just Shoot Me” when I could be in Vegas jumping out of a plane?!?! Or on the beach in Florida? Or exploring Europe? What’s wrong with me?!”

I realized that I am a bit of a traditionalist. My response to these men wasn’t, “no way, never!” Rather, it was, “no way – you are a total stranger to me! I don’t even know you!” What kind of tramp goes away with a man she has only met twice? I’m a rather anxious person. I know if I traveled with a relative stranger, I would obsess over the expectations. What should I pack? Who is paying for what? How are we planning our schedule? What if I like to go to bed early and they are night owls? When I ask the men about their expectations they just tell me to relax and “go with it”. Then, I become anxious about the fact that they think I’m anxious.

I think there is also something to be said about enjoying the simpler things in life. If we go on a big trip on our third date, what do we do for our tenth date, our six-month anniversary, or our fourth year of marriage? In my mind, a second date should entail a picnic, or a kiss on the sidewalk while waiting for the cross-walk light, or a stroll by the lake. I don’t need to find myself at the top of the Empire State Building realizing that I don’t even know the guy’s last name!

Turning down these travel opportunities surprised me because I thought this was a lifestyle I always wanted. I realized that international jet-setting is still for me, but that I need to share it with someone who I know and care about in order to really enjoy it. Maybe in three months I’ll tell Sean how much I would love to see Italy. ;)

Bad Date Monday

Sadly, I am running out of bad dates. It isn't that I have hundreds of good date stories, I just don't date.

In honor of my last day at Botsford last week, I remembered this one that occurred shortly after I hired in... ahh, when I was the young, optimistic age of 25.

The IT guy had come to set up my computer. He called back like 10 minutes after leaving over some excuse of needing something and asked if I wanted to get lunch sometime. Uh, sure. I need friends. MK assured me he was just being nice. So he insisted it be the next day ... uh, ok.

We agree to meet at Panera. We get there and the line is out the door so he suggests a Middle Eastern place down the street and we carpool there...

He proceeds to explain all of his native foods.. like hummus. I may be WT but I am not that sheltered... and we ordered sandwiches or something. He proceeds to talk THE ENTIRE TIME about drunken escapades... including car surfing on I-94. I start to wish that he had fallen off said car at this point so this date wouldn't be happening. He also suggested I move to his neighborhood - Dearborn Heights. Again, no, I'm good. Seriously, this is a grown ass 34 year old talking about the number of Jager Bombs he did last weekend. They started to sound like a good idea to make this lunch better and I HATE Jager!

So finally are bill comes and we can leave... so we head back to his pimped out Jeep Cherokee (ie. illegal tints and chrome rims). LAME. He proceeds to tell me that we "should probably keep this quiet since they frown upon dating at work" Um, WE AREN'T DATING! We will never be dating... you are already too creepy and controlling for my taste.. I just f'ing met you!

Luckily, I make it back to my car without incident and have garlic breath so no awkward kiss situations arise. However, this did not stop him from calling me twice that afternoon and texting me for the next 3 days. WTF!

I got the bitch stare whenever he came to the office for the next few months. You deserve it, creeper.

What have you done for your singlehood today?

Well, the short answer is nothing... unless you count showering and putting on under eye concealer and mascara for my Sunday run to Target. I also bought (another) used sewing machine at a Thrift Store. I am heading in the wrong direction...

It seems that my match.com profile shakeup has brought more traffic but it doesn't seem to be the right people. Let's have a rundown of the "winks":

• A 41 year old wearing a skull cap. The other photos look like a Bobby Brown video. Oh, he is STD free according to his profile. NO!
• A 35 year old who lives in Sault St. Marie. A mere 7 hours away.
• A guy who's profile pic makes him look like Bubba Gump. Is that really the best you have?
• A 23 year old with a soul patch and blond highlights. His profile led with these:
  
• Main things to get out of the way.
  "-Just purchased a gym membership within walking distance of my house, should be in best shape of my life, or since I was a twiggy kid, sometime soonish.
  -I need/want to consider the girl I'm with a beauty."

Why in the hell do I care where your gym is?! Why is this what you are leading with?! Why are you interested in me... I am neither in shape or a beauty.

Ahh, the search continues.

Apparently Match has morals

So I updated my Match.com profile as discussed last week. I toned down a few things but got this response from them:

"Unfortunately, we are unable to approve it at this time because of content that could be considered offensive or otherwise inappropriate by some of our members. Please update your profile and resubmit for approval."

REALLY?! Last time I checked this wasn't the "where people come to get married website" and I am sure 90% of matches end up as one night stands. BUT APPARENTLY, low level swearing (twice) and my love of beer may be offensive. I am not sure I want to meet someone who can't handle either of those things...

UPDATE: I took out the word bitch and it has been approved. LAME.

Have I mentioned that I hate online dating (or lack thereof)?

Thank, subconscious!

I had some odd dreams last night involving massive plane crashes and a cruise ship... but the worst part of the series were two "scenes," if you will.

1) In getting ready for this cruise, a group of friends staged an intervention (not real friends, strangers) to tell me that my hair and makeup were all wrong. Like harped on wearing the wrong shade and not applying anything correctly.

2) Later, I found myself as the housekeeper for an ex and his girlfriend. They had a baby named Ethan. Not sure which is worse - the baby or being a housekeeper?!

Thanks for the self-concidence kick in the balls, subconscious!

Ignorance is STILL bliss

One of my peeps has worked in OBGYN for many, many years. Luckily for me she is pretty tight lipped. I am easily grossed out by even a light-hearted reference to genital warts. Bleck! Anyway, my peep told me that the latest trend in teenage girls is to soak tampons in alcohol and then insert them. Apparently, the mucus membrane absorbs the alcohol and they get “drunk” without ever swallowing any alcohol.

There are many things that crossed my mind when I heard this story, but the overwhelming theme was, “SICK!” I’m so glad I am over 21 and satisfied with consuming alcohol the old fashioned way – down the hatch! After a little google search I learned that this practice has been around since the 90’s and can be adapted to work for men as well. SICK! Yet another thing I did not want to know!

So what does this have to do with dating? Thankfully not much where I am concerned. However, I realized this weekend that I really do prefer to frame my worldview with a Pollyanna mindset and to live with a simplistic view of otherwise complex social problems.

For the past few weeks I have been seeing a guy named Sean. Sean is here in the US legally, but is not originally from the US. His English is a bit rocky, which I think has ended up being good for our relationship. It is hard to end up in fights with someone with whom the conversation usually ends shortly after, “How was your day?” I have met several of Sean’s friends. They are all nice guys and run a successful business together. A couple of the guys are “on the market” so I have been trying to think of friends to set them up with.

Over lunch this weekend, Sean expressed some concerns about the fate of his immigration status. He lamented that he might have to go the way of some of his friends. I gave him a quizzical look. He explained that his friend, Mark, who is looking for a girlfriend here in Minneapolis, is actually legally married to some girl he met once in Tennessee. Apparently it is easier to pay a girl a few grand to legally become married to you than it is to go back to school or get a green card in order to stay in the country. Sean suggested that he might know a girl in North Carolina.

Should I be mad? Why doesn’t he want me to be his fake green-card wife? I’m unemployed! I could use the cash! And, at least we would live in the same state! If he “marries” her does that mean he never wants to get legitimately married for love? My brother said I should be glad he doesn’t want me to be his fake wife. It means he really likes me and respects me. I’m not sure. I was only left with the resounding notion that ignorance is bliss.

New Tactic

I have gotten like zero responses thus far on Match.com so I must have something wrong with my exiting profile. It isn't like it currently says anything out of the ordinary like "I take anti-depressants" or "I have 6 toothpastes in my stockpile" or "I have dabbled in witchcraft" (ok, that one is not true). I mean, aside from not running or golfing (like ALL men, apparently), it is pretty run of the mill "I am a nice person, looking for a nice person."

Sidenote: I have gotten a few "winks" from guys I am not interested in and one email from a guy who has long hair and is holding a guitar in his profile picture. He also asked for my phone number. Uh, we don't need to talk on the phone. I have also emailed several dudes and not gotten a response. Damnit, maybe I am a superficial bitch but why do I have to pick from long-haired, still clinging to the "my band will take off anytime now" men?! Why is online dating so demoralizing?!

SOOO... my dear college roommate suggested that I put my list of "reasons I would make an awesome wife/girlfriend" as my profile and I think I will! Hell, I cannot get less response!

Stay tuned for details!

Why You're Not Married

Last week a friend sent me an article entitled, “Why You’re Not Married”. To be honest, I wouldn’t exactly call the sender “friend”. Rather, he is a pompous ass I went out with a few times who thinks he knows everything. I would like to believe that Anton means well and that his problem-solving skills simply lack compassion and discernment. However, my intuition (which I am finally learning to trust) tells me that he gets off on having all of the answers and explaining life to naïve young ladies like me.

In a noble attempt not to throw the baby out with the bath water, I decided to at least read the article. Side note: “Throw the baby out with the bath water”?? What a disturbing image! Has anyone "thrown out bathwater" since 1937? Why do we even still use that expression anymore? Sometimes my cousin, Josh, and I play this game where we try to see how many obnoxious idioms/expressions we can use in one conversation. He doubled my score on the SATS which means he always wins at this game.

Before we get to the article, a quick word on etiquette: I know etiquette has gone the way of floppy discs, but I need to make two quick etiquette recommendations: #1 – if you are a guy, do not forward this article to a woman. I know you will read it and think of 20 girls you want to share it with, but don’t. Just don’t. Unless, of course, you want to give them a reason to hate you. #2 – if you are a woman, don’t send this article to other random women. Only send it to the really close friends – you know, the ones who can handle your PMS and don’t judge you for watching Vampire Diaries.

On to the article…

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html?ref=fb&src=sp

I think Tracy McMillan did an awesome job with this article. She tackled a few issues that we might otherwise gloss over (hello, I’m selfish!). Her writing was clever and she even snuck in a word I had to look up on dictionary.com… any guesses?

I’d love to hear what you guys think! Comment away!

8 minutes in Heaven?

Actually, I never played that game in middle school. My dating whoas are not a new thing...

So my lovely downstairs neighbor had the brilliant idea that we should "mix it up" a bit and try speed dating at a local martini bar. Alright, I'm game. Drinks are included, right? So, we pay our $20 or whatever and head to Royal Oak. More info can be found here

We knew this may have been a mistake when we walked in to see some 20ish year old kid manning the "check in table" where we had to write our own nametags and he didn't seem to have a list of registered people. Also, there were girls as far as the eye could see. Crap, did we sign up for some lesbian speed dating thing?

So he says that the first martini is half-off ($5). Uh, ok, thanks? At this point, I would drink mouthwash to salvage the night so we saddle up to the bar. So after like 40 minutes of standing around in the very narrow, dark bar, they announce that we are splitting into two groups based on age: 21-27 and 28+ so J and I are in different groups and get to mingle with different guys. Alright, let's do this!

The girls sat at the tables and the guys rotated. Here is a rundown of the guys I had to talk to for 8 minutes each:

• 21 year old "real estate" guy (who I am pretty sure sold subprime mortgages in the hood), lived at home, did not go to college, smoked KOOLS and drank LONG ISLAND ICED TEAS. No.


• Another 21 year old who was a senior in college. A little too cougarish for me.


• Slightly scary military guy who just came home from Iraq. Slightly off balanced.


• Meathead guy who asked me 1) If I had kids (because he did) and 2) my favorite sexual position within 2 minutes. WTF!


• Engineer dude who proceeded to talk about how much money and the number of awesome toys he had (boat, jetski, whatever)


• A nice kid who HAD JUST MOVED TO CHICAGO and was only here to fill "guy" spaces to help out his buddy who "ran" the event. Of course!


• A socially awkward guy who had not left his mom's basement nearly enough to carry on a conversation.

J's group (the older and logically more professional of the bunch, right?) consisted of several over 30's who had no careers and were actors, artists or band members waiting tables until "their big break." Buhahaha.

SO we had to stumble through awful 8 minutes conversations that may have been better with more free booze, except there was no free booze and each drink was $10.

I think the worst part was that we didn't think of the idea. Put some ads out there, rent a bar space on a Monday night, charge people $20 for the opportunity to strike out, don't give away booze and ask your random friends to court single girls - instant money maker! Hell, I could even make people nametags ahead of time and look like a real pro!

But, hey, we branched out and can now never talk about it again!

Some people count sheep, I formulate blog topics...

I slept like crap last night... it was probably a result of falling asleep on the couch at 8pm and waking up at midnight with all the lights and tv on. It required way too much activity to stumble into bed and re-fall asleep. SO, I think of blog topics.

About 3am I started to think about why I would make an awesome girlfriend/wife. I mean, I am light years away from perfect but I have some good things going:

• I like beer. Think about it guys, beer is portable and so much less fussy than having to mix martinis in a canoe or at a tailgate!


• I can cook... for real. Guys LOVE food! (confession: I cannot make eggs though. I mean, I will eat my eggs but wouldn't subject others to them)


• I like sports! No more of that whiny bitch on the couch on Sundays who is like "why are their costumes blue?" or "what is a field goal?" or "PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" No, I will be there swearing (with beer in hand) right along with you! Hell, I will watch sports when you aren't home.. willingly!


• I will never drag a guy to the mall. I HATE the mall. Also, you don't need to go grocery shopping with me. I prefer to go alone.


• I can be extremely thoughtful. Never had an Easter Basket? You are getting one! Have a thing for thigh highs... wait, mom reads this. Sick? I can make chicken noodle soup!


• I am easily entertained. Seriously, I am an only child. I can sit alone for hours or sit with someone else without talking for a REALLY long time. I also always carry a book for instant entertainment.


• I am low maintanence and easily adaptable. What? We need to be downtown at a fancy party in 45 minutes? I can shower and shave in less than 10! I have a party dress ready! I wear makeup everyday!


• I am funny. You are reading this blog, right!


• I have my own life and friends. You want to go to the bar with your friends? Great! I would like some alone time. As long as you don't come home smelling like strippers, we don't have a problem! You didn't call me to say goodnight? GOOD, THAT IS CREEPY!


• I am not needy. Now, some may say I am too independent but that comes from having NO ONE ELSE AROUND TO DO SHIT. I know how to check my oil or balance my checkbook, I can drag the damn Christmas tree up 2 flights of stairs alone and I have no qualms with going places by myself. I will not need to call you 4 times a day. However, I would gladly let someone help or ride along but if not, hey it's cool. I got this.

• I have a weird assortment of random knowledge in my head. I also rock at music lyrics spanning about 4 decades. I am a wealth of knowledge for crossword puzzle doing and trivia teams.

Now these may not be things that society seems to portray as the keys to finding love but I am not about to adopt most of those such as acting dumber (why do guys like that?!), using baby talk (puke!), losing 50 lbs (eh, just delaying the inevitable look), taking up golf (still up in the air), switching to drinking martinis or wearing more eye liner. If you're looking for a cheerleader, keep looking.

Boob job is still on the wish list though.

Bad Date Monday

Wow, Monday again!

This week's installment will chronicle a date I went on while living in Chicago. A friend decided that I had to meet a volunteer at her work. We had so much in common! And we were both sarcastic! Soulmates!

So this kid and I decided on a weekend lunch. He INSISTS on picking me up and driving me to a secret lunch location... ok, whatever. So I am waiting outside my building when a crappy Saturn Wagon pulls up. I am like "this can't be my date, but alas, yes it was. SATURN WAGON! So I think "ok, don't be petty, city driving is hard on a car... plus, just go for the free lunch"

SO we get in the car and he says he wants to go to this super fab place in his neighborhood (Andersonville). So we drive the 4 miles back up there (which takes like 30 mins) and we go to Ann Sather. Ok, I love Ann Sather but you could have told me and I could have directed you to ONE of TWO in my neighborhood. Seriously, this would have saved so much time!

So we order lunch and make awkward small talk. Did I mention he is wearing an old man cardigan? And is not a skinny dude? And he works in a GUN SHOP? Also, he seemed to like weird things and had a weird sense of humor (i.e. NOT FUNNY). Once again, we have nothing of real substance to talk about.

So the bill comes and he takes it (yes!) and then says "your total comes to $x.xx" Uh, you're shitting me, right? If I am going to pay half, I could've at least had some say in where we ate! This sandwich wasn't even good!

So now we have to embark on the 30 minutes 4-mile drive BACK to my house. (Once again, why did you want to pick me up?!). Here is where the real kicker in the "we are not meant to be" mental checklist. He proceeds to SMOKE A PIPE. Now, I am all for the free use of tobacco but A PIPE?! Are you a Grandpa? Or Frosty the Snowman? Sherlock Holmes perhaps? WTF! What 20-something takes up pipe smoking?

You know it has been bad when taking the #36 Broadway bus full of crazies (seriously, if you have ever ridden this line, you know what I am talking about) seemed like a better idea at this point than having to spend any more time with Mr. Rogers!

Hey, hot stuff!

Sh*T My Grandma Says

For those of you who don't know, my Grandma has been married five times. Yes, FIVE. Needless to say, at 85, she has some funny views on relationships. Here is a sampling:

"I agree with you, cohabitation is a great idea!" (Mom was horrified!)

Me: "No, he isn't my boyfriend. We haven't had the talk."
Grandma: "What talk?!"
Me: "The define the relationship talk"
Grandma: "Oh, I never had one of those. Maybe I should have... I just married them"

"I bet he likes your hair down better"

"Yeah, he wasn't the one. He drove a 2000 car, it should be at least a 2004 or 2005"

"Oh, you are seeing someone! This is the best birthday ever!"

And the best,

"Did you get that newspaper article I sent you (on online dating)? That girl from Linden landed a husband and she wasn't much of a looker"

Date #36 - the last straw!

This weekend I ate at PF Changs. I’m a fan of the restaurant because they have a great gluten-free menu, which makes it easy for me to order a meal without having to play 20 questions or involve half of the kitchen staff in my food preparation.

While I was enjoying my Chang’s Spicy Chicken on Sunday, I was reminded of eharmony date #36. This date had been the last straw for me and my adventures in internet dating. In Jimmy’s defense, my tolerance for bad dates had been worn down. Just two days prior date #35 had told me in the middle of dinner that onions give him gas.

Here is what went down on that fateful date #36…

Texting:
Jimmy - “It seems like we have a lot in common… would you like to get together for a drink?”
Sarah - “Sure – that sounds great! What is your schedule like next week?”
Jimmy - “I work every night until 9:00 but could meet up after that.”
Sarah - Good God. I’m not exactly at my prime after 9:00pm. “Any chance you are free for lunch?”
Jimmy - “I could do Tuesday; say 12:00/12:30.”
Sarah - “Why don’t we meet at PF Changs at 12:30?”
Jimmy - “Sure. But was does “pf” stand for?”
Sarah – Seriously?! Do you leave the house? “’PF Changs’ is the name of the restaurant. I have no idea what the ‘PF’ actually stands for.”
Jimmy – no response

Tuesday, 12:30pm, PF Changs:
The server came to the table. She was the frantic middle-aged type that had children too early in life. She felt the need to drop random information about herself including that fact that her daughter is engaged and planning her own wedding in Rochester. Also went on a rant about not being needed to help with the planning. I thought, “Please make it stop.”

Thankfully the server moved on from her personal life and went onto explain the three bottles and three sauce bowls sitting on the table and how to construct your own sauce for the rice. Then she proceeded to take our orders. Jimmy asked for extra sauce for his rice. The server and I stare at him like he has the cartoon head of a jackass. We were both wondering what in the world was wrong with the SIX sauces she had just brought out. I order the extra-spicy beef, because in my mind, this date was already finished.

Unfortunately for me, the encounter lasted another sixty minutes. Damn that slow waitress.

We had been eating for about five minutes when….
Jimmy – “Whoa there! I don’t know how to use those things,” he says, pointing to my chopsticks. “Good thing they didn’t give me any.”
Sarah – “Actually, they did. They are rolled up in your napkin with the rest of your silverware.” I point to the silverware roll sitting, untouched, next to his plate.
Jimmy – “I thought this spoon was kind of big.” He refers to the extra large serving spoon which he has just pulled out of his mouth. He did not spoon his chicken dish over the rice like a normal person, but rather was eating large spoon fulls of the chicken with the enormous serving spoon.
Sarah - I think, "God, am I being punished for something?"

I tried to salvage what I could of lunch. On his profile, Jimmy had said he liked to travel. I love travel. My brother and I are in a race to see who can get to all of the continents first. I asked Jimmy about his travel and favorite destinations. It turned out that Jimmy mistook “enjoying travel” for “enjoying THE IDEA of travel.” He had never actually left the state of Minnesota.

The bill finally came. Not only did Jimmy neglect to pay for my portion of lunch (which I think is appropriate for a first date), but he did not even fully pay for his portion. It seemed Jimmy also liked THE IDEA of math but never actually learned it.

As we parted, Jimmy authoritatively stated that he thought we had grounds for a relationship and that we should move forward and get together again. I opted for spinsterhood.

Bad Date Monday

I thought it might be fun to do a weekly bad date series. Although Sarah has many more horror stories than I do... I have a few "when friend/family set ups go wrong!" tales.

Ok, here is a scenario from last winter:
My mom met this guy at a funeral (his parents and my parents have mutual friends). She gives him my number and then came down for dinner the following Friday night to break the news. So, we are at dinner and I get a call from an unknown number, which I ignore. It is this kid calling to see if I want to hang out sometime. I text back re: I can't talk now.

So a few days later, he has called and text me a few too many times.. dude, I have a life and am busy. So we finally talk on the phone on a Sunday.. for 30 minutes. Now, you may know that I HATE talking on the phone if I am not in the mood for it and/or if you are a stranger but we agree to go out the next weekend. He then asks what I am doing that week... once again, dude, I have a life and am not available.

So, the next Friday comes (we have a date Saturday) and he calls to see if I am available to "hang out" that night. I TOLD YOU NO... you have your time tomorrow!

So Saturday rolls around and I can already tell this will be a shit show. We had plans to see a local improv show and grab some dinner. Here are the "highlights"

• He calls like 20 mins before he is supposed to be at my house and says he has not left work yet. GREAT.
• Now I have not eaten and we don't have time to do that before the show. Fatty needs food!
• He shows up at my house and is wearing a gold chain necklace. Oh God.
• We get to the improv show and I immediately head for the bar. He says he doesn't drink much and then asks what I am ordering (a local microbrew) and then orders a PBR. Not a good sign. He did not buy them.
• We go to our seats and they are next to each other with a small table in between. I see him out of my peripheral vision staring at me... the.entire.time. Creepy!
• We make it through the show (hilarious) and I suggest a local lebanese place. We get there and a waiter who I know from going there regularly says hi to me. He gets SUPER WEIRD. "Oh, random men are saying hi to you" Hey, doucher, this is my neighborhood.. and it isn't like we were going to go make out in the bathroom.
• We have NOTHING to talk about. NOTHING.
• He keeps talking about future things like "we should go to Florida sometime" Um, I don't know you! We are strangers!
• Did I mention that I am sober because I felt weird drinking around Captain No-drinks?
• Oh, did I also mention that despite not drinking, a lot of his stories (to woo me, obviously) involved crazy things he has done while drunk. I mean, don't get me wrong, I started Naked Parties in college but I am not bragging about it ON A DATE! (God, I miss college)
• So, we finish dinner and I have to take him back to my house so he can get his car. HE FOLLOWS ME UPSTAIRS and that weird "don't try to make out with me" mantra is running through my head for 20 mins before he finally leaves because I am yawning.

So, needless to say, it was not a love match. The old "single + single = perfect" equation that marrieds always use does not work.

Ok, this sounds bitchy. I am sure he is a great, nice guy but he was just too possessive and we had nothing in common. Stay Golden, Ponyboy.

Instant Gratification Needed

Ok, no one has winked or messaged me yet on Match. It has been 3 days people! I even winked at one guy and messaged another. NOTHING. Wow, this does wonders for one's self-esteem!

Where are these free drinks and dinners I keep hearing about?!

Also, are men really this into running and going to the gym? If so, I am doomed. Have you seen me?! I don't run... unless being chased by someone with a gun... or in some sort of foot race for the last beer at a party. Ugh, maybe I should start running.

Thirty-six dates and counting...

Consistent with what Beth said yesterday, if you are over the age of 25 and single, at some point, a well-intentioned but completely daft family member, colleague or acquaintance will ask you if you have tried internet dating. At least now it is socially acceptable compared to a few years ago when it was only for IT professionals, people with bad acne and sex-maniacs. When I turned 30, I thought I had better start trying internet dating so that when people asked, I could say, “Yes, I tried that and I’m still single. And don’t you feel stupid for asking?”

After perusing the options, I chose eharmony. I picked this over Match because I am lazy, didn’t want to have to “wink” at people and because I was looking for something more substantial than a hook-up. I chose eharmony over the free sites because I am high-maintenance and like expensive things. I figured if the guy had disposable income to invest in a dating site, then he was probably employed and not a total cheap-ass.

Let’s just say things didn’t work out with me and the guys on eharm. I tried to have an open mind… 36 dates worth of open mind, but I didn’t meet anyone I had an interest in seeing again. Was this because I was matched with people with whom I had too much in common? Was this because I wasn’t over my ex so any attempt to move on was doomed from the get-go? Or was this because 89% of the guys were dorks? I’m going to go with all of the above along with the fact that I am just plain picky.

I went out with “Fred” who I swear was the love child between Charlie Brown and Debbie Downer. When I asked about his job, he replied that he had just been fired the previous day. When I asked about his family, he told me all about his teenage cousin who was losing the battle to cancer. When I asked about his weekend plans he said he worked a part-time job stocking shelves in some dingy warehouse basement. I thought he was trying to get rid of me, but he genuinely expressed interest in seeing me again. In the midst of his fourth or fifth story that made The Diary of Anne Frank look like “lite reading”, I ordered a second martini and decided I would just talk about myself until it was time to go.

I did meet a lot of really nice, great guys on eharmony. There were plenty of quality men that I would love to have as friends. However, as my brother so eloquently put it, “Nobody on eharmony wants to be your friend!” And he was right.

Is that rhetorical?

Due to some sort of alarm clock malfunction, I was awake from 3:15-5:30 thinking about this post. Also, my house may be haunted.

So one question us singles get a lot is "Why are you single?" It is usually from strangers (my family doesn't ask since they know I am always single and probably think I have a secret lesbian lover or something - I don't!) and they seem to think this is a choice or a disease. I mean, do I ask you why you are ugly? Also, if I knew the magic answer, this wouldn't be an issue.

I mean, knowing what I know now, I might have made some different choices:

• Not wasted years of my life on someone who was never going to commit (we accept the love we think we deserve, right?
  Taken that "Ring by Spring" mantra to heart while in college
• Tried to seduce more coeds at frat house basement parties.... everyone is more interesting when drunk, in the dark.
• Gotten a boob job instead of grad school

But alas, here were are. Anyway, who would choose to be alone? I mean, it isn't like I like taking out the trash or going to weddings without a date or spending Valentine's day EVERY year eating chocolate, in sweat pants while watching Law & Order reruns. Come on, people!

So I have devised a list of obnoxious responses that I may start using:
I am waiting for Gabriel to visit me and don't want to mess that up.

• I am looking to become part of a polygamist family and not everyone is down with that.
• I have leprosy.
• I am devoting my time to my cat rescue program.
• I would prefer to die alone, with aforementioned cats.
• I am really holding out to marry a Centaur.

But in reality, it comes down to the fact that I haven't found the right guy. And no, I am not too picky for hoping for an educated, employed, semi-handy guy who is not a complete shit show.