Monday, May 23, 2011

That dreaded time of year...

So, despite the insistent rain day after day (it isn't supposed to be May showers!), the calendar is barreling toward that dreaded season... WEDDING SEASON! Amongst all the bliss for the soon-to-be couples, single girls everywhere are already thinking "oh, shit. Who will be my plus 1?!"

I had the freakout sometime around 5am on Saturday morning (after my all night Glee fest... which in and of itself explains being single...) that I have two weddings to attend this year! And no prospects for dates! See, I wasn't always in this predicament... I was in some weddings, I went to many with my parents, there were a few where the glorified booty call was used as a date and I have dragged my 'mo best friend to more than a few social occasions.. but alas, those options have dried up.

Wedding one is a civil union celebration. Yes, even CPD is getting hitched! I mean, I would love to bring someone along to witness me drink from a jug of Carlo Rossi and pass out on the couch without pants (reliving the going away party circa 2004)... but I can go it alone, if need be.

The other, however, is a real in a church, followed by a reception hall affair. SHIT! I might be that awkward single who throws off the table count (although I can eat for two, if that makes it better..). What are my options!? I seriously know like 1 single dude... and a drunken hookup does not a date make. No one likes that crazy girl. Other options: 1) post an ad on Craigslist. Not my first choice, I watched that Craigslist killer movie on Lifetime 2) Take someone else's husband (I know plenty of these!). This is no fun. I want at least the option of getting some (Hi, Mom!) and I ain't no homewrecker. Nor am I attracted to anyone's husband (just so that is clear...) 3) Take a girl friend. Just not the same... 4) Go alone. This will probably be the winner. Ugh.

Now, don't get me wrong, weddings are joyous occasions where two people pledge their love for each other and vow to be together forever and I am not trying to sound bitter. Ok, I am a little bitter but mostly I just hate going it alone.
And now, some words of encouragement:

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Friday Night Lights

In exchange for working long hours this week for a work event, I got to leave at 12:30 today. Driving home I had all these grandeur plans of things I would accomplish this afternoon that ranged from scrapbooking 5 years of events, to doing laundry to grocery shopping. I managed to get some crap out of my car and put it away and watch some tv.... before taking a FIVE HOUR NAP from 3-8.

Now, usually I can take naps and go back to bed in relatively short order. Due to a complete lack of a life and social calender, I decided to pass the time between bed times by watching a few episodes of Glee (Mind you, I have the entire season recorded since I am NEVER in the mood to watch it). Well, this lead me to now.... 4:30 am, 6 episodes later and no sleep in sight. I think I will take a shower, watch the sunrise and head to Eastern Market at the crack of dawn... mostly out of curiosity. Or usher the apocalypse in.

One thing I have gleaned from watching all these episodes is that my high school career was way less ass-packed. No, less is an understatement. These kids are getting it everywhere! I should've been a singing cheerleader!

Once again, I need a life. I literally have no plans or reason to leave the house tomorrow or Sunday which means I cannot meet someone, seduce them, trick them into marrying me and then convincing them to let me be a stay at home wife.

Thursday, May 12, 2011


As a result of some substantial weight-gain this year, I have been having a recurring daydream. It’s not a pleasant daydream; I guess it’s more like a waking nightmare…

I’m swimming in the Atlantic Ocean in the early 1800s. Oblivious to my surroundings, I am suddenly struck by a piercing and debilitating pain! In the midst of confusion I see that I have been harpooned from the back, right through my chest. It occurs to me in a moment of utter despair that a Nantucket whaling ship has mistaken me for a Beluga Whale!

I am floating in and out of consciousness as my body is being dragged over the water back to the ship. Seeing their mistake, the sailors decide that since I am already as good as dead that they might as well take advantage of my blubber. They tie me to the side of the ship to let me bleed out before slicing off the

blubber and celebrating their good fortune. My blubber is then boiled down and the resulting oil is used to light lamps in all of Nantucket for nearly a month.

Late last night I was playing kissy face with a “gentleman friend” (as my Grandma would call him) at a dimly lit restaurant downtown. At one point in-between kisses this gentleman friend said, “I like that you are a little chubby. It turns me on.”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! And there it was – the flashes of the whale and the blubber and people in 1809 Nantucket drinking a pint in front of an oil lamp, and my body tied to the side of a ship.

I suddenly lost my appetite for kissy face and suddenly wished I had control-top nylons on under my cocktail dress. Why did he have to use the word “chubby”?!?! I mean, I know it’s true – but oh, the agony of being called “chubby”! What’s next? Are people going to grab my cheeks and talk baby talk to me? Are people going to poke me in the stomach and squeal, “heeheeeee” like the Pillsbury doughboy?

Hopefully this is all the motivation I need to get serious about my health. I hope that before long the Nantucket whalers will mistake me not for a Beluga, but for an electric eel.

Cheers to being single and "a little chubby"!

A rare moment of optimism

So, I am in a horrible mood today. I don't like my new job. I hate not having a dishwasher. I am still single. But... I have decided to blog about the positive aspects of sleeping alone night after night.

  1. I can do whatever I want. I don't have to clear any spending, odd dinner choices or random trips to Target by anyone. The cat doesn't care if I eat cereal for dinner... 3 nights in a row! However, she also doesn't get excited about my coupon scores... that would be nice to relay to someone.

  2. I don't have to "keep up appearances" for anyone. I mean, I still put on makeup and shower and such since I have to come to my suck hole job every day but I am sure no one would notice if I didn't. Hell, a coworker wore a ball cap and flip flops yesterday. Plus, if I have to "step it up a notch" (ie shave or something), I know well in advance. I have no random booty calls in my life who just might stumble over unexpectedly. I can put on fat pants at 6pm EVERYDAY!

  3. I don't have to worry about any one else's life choices... whether it be their job, where they are at 2am or whether or not they have clean underwear for tomorrow. THAT is a relief.

  4. I don't have a mother-in-law. From the sounds of most, that can be a very good thing. One less person to ask when I am having babies. (ok, no one asks me this since I think they can detect the single on me)

  5. I don't have to buy expensive gifts for every birthday, holiday or made up holiday (Sweetest Day?! come on!). I have probably saved thousands from being alone!

  6. I don't have to split holidays with anyone else's annoying family. (downside: no extra gifts/desserts).

  7. I can toss and turn and drool on both pillows. Have I mentioned I am the least sexy sleeper EVER?!

So there you have it, my attempt at seeing the glass half full. I could use a glass half full of vodka right about now!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Eharm date #24 and his dog, Snickers

Hey friends - Please accept my apologies for not posting sooner. I didn’t have anything particular entertaining to say and didn’t want to bore you with uncreative complaining. Sean is long gone. The chronic rain and dreary, cold weather has left me with little energy to meet new people.

Last night I ventured across the street to my favorite dive, Mortimer’s, for my friend, Jackie’s birthday. I was enjoying a fiercely competitive round of Big Buck Safari with my brother when I noticed a familiar face across the room. It was Brett… eharmony date #24. The date with Brett wasn’t nightmare; it was just horribly boring. Brett is obsessed with his dog, Snickers. He showed me pictures of Snickers, he told stories about Snickers and bragged that Snickers was the most popular and well-known dog in Minneapolis. He literally talked about Snickers for an hour. I couldn’t care less about Snickers. I also had no interest in dating someone who talked about their dog at the same rate new grandmothers talk about their grandkids. I also knew that Brett was not fabulous enough for me to waste so much as five minutes competing against Snickers for his attention and affection. So that was the end of Brett… until today.

I grabbed the birthday girl, Jackie, and whispered to her about my eharmony past and gestured toward Brett who was doing some fancy footwork while playing Lord of the Rings pinball. This is where it got interesting…

Jackie marched on over to Brett and said, “Brett! Great to see you again! How have you been? I’m Jackie, remember? We met here about a month or so ago…” Brett looked a little skeptical until Jackie said, “We talked all about your dog. You showed me pictures…” Brett said, “Oh yeah! Now I remember. How are you??” Jackie said, “I’m doing well. And if I remember correctly, you promised to buy me a birthday drink the next time we met.” Brett obliged and Jackie continued to inquire about Snickers. I could not believe that Jackie had the audacity to pull it off!

A while later, Jackie returned, drink in hand and I finally beat my brother at Big Buck. It was a fun night.

Jackie – you’re awesome. Happy Birthday!