Soulmate alert

A real gem "Favorited" me on Match.com.  He had the classic half-naked self-taken photo in a bathroom where his other hand is either holding his pants up or down them... and the other photo was of a double tongue piercing... I am sure there is a population of women who that would attract.  You know what they say about tongue piercings... wait, I think that is for chicks who have them. 

The real clincer in getting me excited was his profile description (note, no edits):

"My name is tommy im 34. I work rlly hard. I own my car and house in hamtramck. Im kinda tired of the mind games that sometimes girls pull. I also have 14 tattoos and 5 body piercings. Basically lookn for the same somebdy with tatts n piercings. I recently had quit smoking ciggarettes like 6 months ago. I drink only occocasionaly. I have a business management certificate. Currently in u s truck driving school because of our economy resulting in no jobs. Im lookn for a girl tht knws what she wants. Im mostly interested in girls that are slim and that is in shape otherwords not lazy. I dress in jeans and tshirts. Ilove to cuddle to movies. Just love to go out and enjoy life because its really short. I have one pet that is a cat ive had her since she was born. I enjoy texting so if u want the phone number just ask."


Unfortunately, we cannot be soul mates because I do not have tattoos (yet!) or piercings (except the one I can't get out) and I am nowhere near "slim"  gawd.damn.it

Ahh.. reality tv validates my life again

So last night I had just finished watched a touching episode of Hoarders, featuring a man who had over 1,000 pet rats, when Intervention came on next.  Now, I have never watched this show but I feel this episode was especially shit-showy.  It featured a former pre-med student who was addicted to huffing computer duster.  Yes, that can you spray to remove crumbs from a keyboard... she would just suck it into her mouth mid conversation like an inhaler.  W.T.F!  10 cans a day of that shit ain't cheap!  To add to this girl's charm, she also was anorexic and a cutter... so she was looking rough... like, Oscar the Grouch rough (but not quite meth head rough).  ANYWAY. the most disturbing part of the show may have been that she had a tendency to "meet and marry guys"  YES, PLURAL!  How does that happen?!  How do you find not one, but TWO guys who want to sign on with that?!  Also, since her latest divorce, she also managed to find a married sugar daddy to pay her rent and give her cash (ok, so it may have been a prostitute-esque situation but I could give up 2 hours of my week for free rent... I mean.... err, that is wrong)   I know there are desperate people everywhere but your skills in the sack cannot possibly overshadow your obvious crazy. 

So, today's moral of the story is: At Least I am Not Married to a Huffer! Win. 

P.S. to drug addicts: If your family invites you to a hotel in the town you live in, you're about to get Intervented!  Don't be shocked. 

Update

I will forget this by tomorrow...

Update: I rejoined Match.  I couldn't handle the suspense.  Much to my surprise, both emails were from real people.  One was from a guy who just told me via email that he joined a cage fighting gym.  I will disregard that for now :)

Another guy just emailed me WHO I HAVE EMAILED WITH BEFORE.  He was one of those where we had great email conversation and then he disappeared.  Uh, do I bring that up?! 

Also, my "daily pick" from match.com was the d-bag who stood me up a few weeks ago.  Good to know he wasn't hit by a bus or something, I'm not that heartless. 

Over and out. 

Damn you Match.com

So I cancelled my Match.com subscription at the end of November.  Unfortunately it wasn't because I FOUND THE ONE (as promised - I think I deserve a refund), it was simply set to re-up and due to my phenomenal lack of budgeting skills in the job switch, I simply didn't want to spend $60.  Apparently, much like Gmail, nothing actually ever disappears when you cancel Match so I still have a viewable profile and dudes can still communicate with me.  So, after a month of no emails or winks from guys, I got 2 of each this week!  Now here is where the website becomes a big marketing ploy to get you back into their web of expensive empty promises that play on your desperation for love for the new year - I have to pay again (a lump sum, mind you) to read said messages or even see who they are from.  SHIT!  The curiosity is killing me.  WHAT IF THIS GUY IS THE ONE?!  (sarcasm)  Knowing my luck, however, it is probably some fake guy that Match makes up to get you sucked back in, like Tom from Myspace.  So, I will do what any cheapass single person would do - look for a coupon code online and see what it amounts to.  I need some excitement in my life anyway. 

On a sidenote, during my Grandma's 86th birthday dinner, she mentioned (again but with more force) that I should join this:  http://www.christianmingle.com/     This was right after she asked what I was "doing with my hair"  Um, nothing?  I had even blow dried and straightened it... you know, special occasions don't warrant pony tails - those are reserved for work and all other days.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY HAIR?!  I digress.  So, being the good, life-fail grandchild, I looked up this website.  I don't think I can do it.  There is a Bible verse as the opening banner and you can submit prayer requests (I wish we could see some of those).  There is also a misspelling of "deeply" in a message from the Community Relations Manager on the "Church" page that introduces the 15 page pamphlet churches can use to explain "Christian Online Dating."    They mentioned "courting" more than once... I am not having my first kiss at the alter.  I know I am being blasphemous and cynical, this just all seems a little "drink the Koolaid" for me.  I would love to meet a non-atheist but this is a little too shoved down my throat. 

I just went through the basic form to search matches and 90% of these people don't have pictures... I don't have that much faith.  Of the 30 guys with pictures, NONE of them live in the actual city of Ferndale.  I find that interesting... it must be our acceptance of "the gays"

What NOT to tell your pharmacist

I was standing in line at the pharmacy at Walgreens this summer when I saw a little old man shuffle up to the counter. An attractive young guy behind the counter smiled at the man and said, "Hi Gerald! How are you doing today? Have you been feeling better? What can I do for you?" I thought it was sweet that he clearly cared for the old man and was able to engage him in an authentic way. I peaked at the name tag on his lab coat - EDWARD. Oh, Edward. Maybe I will re-read the Twilight series and picture you instead of nappy Robert Pattenson.

It has been months since I first noticed Edward. Every time I go to Walgreens I walk past the pharmacy to try to catch a glimpse of him. This week I have been struggling with some health problems. My various doctors have changed my medication three times just in the past few days. As a result, I've been to the Walgreens pharmacy almost every day this week. I look like death warmed over, but I've been able to sneak little smiles at Edward here and there. Tonight, he was working the cash register when I went up to the counter. He said, "I feel like I've seen you here every day this week." I said, "you have, my doctors keep changing my medicine because they aren't quite sure what the problem is yet." He said, "Well let's see if your prescriptions are ready, Sarah. See - I even know your name!" I said, "Well, it is nice to meet you Edward." He smiled and pulled my bag out of the bin. He said, "It looks like your... er... cream (Just say it Edward - it's ANAL CREAM!) isn't ready yet, but I have the valium here for you." I said, "no problem. I don't really want that scary cream anyway, so I can wait until tomorrow to pick it up. Valium seems to solve most of my problems anyway." Edward laughed a bit nervously and rang up my transaction. I decided at that moment, I wanted to crawl in a hole and rot, at least until April. I've been crushing on this guy for six months and the first time he talks to me he has to see that I am picking up cream for my butt?! And then I try to make it better my letting him know I'm crazy and take valium?!

Wow... and I wonder why I struggle sometimes!

It's the most loneliest time of the year...

The holiday season can be a lonely time for us singles.  You would think I would be USED to it after a streak of 29 consecutive Christmas' alone, but no.  I mean, who doesn't want to get drunk on egg nog and get naked under a Christmas tree with your significant other?!  (ok, I might be alone on this one)  I didn't even put up a Christmas tree this year because I knew no one would see it.. and that was depressing.  Also, because I hadn't taken the ol' happy pills in awhile.. but I found them so I will now focus on the positives of being utterly alone on the day of Christ's birth:

• I don't have to look good for anyone on Christmas morning... I can open presents without a bra or makeup on.  (this is also a plus to having micro boobs, they aren't going anywhere) woot.  I mean, theoretically, I could still do this with a boyfriend but I would like to keep up airs of being classy... until at least Valentine's day. 
• I save a few hundred bucks by not having to buy a special present.  Seriously, since my relationships are short lived train wrecks, I don't even know how to go about giving things to the significant other population appropriate for wrapping and placing under a tree.  I am too chubby to fulfill anyone's "sexy" fantasy so a certificate for something sexually related is out and I am sure any 30 year old man already has a watch and/or cologne... phew, pressure is off for another year! 
• I don't have to suffer through someone else's awkward holiday, church and/or present routine.  I mean, holidays with your own family are odd enough, let's not throw a pervy uncle, small children or a traditional Catholic service into the mix.  Another bonus is no office parties! 
• You can make out with whoever you want on New Years Eve!  (or not find anyone to kiss and feel like a horrible loser).  We'll see how this pans out this year. 

Happy Holidays!

Things I learned last week...

See what I mean!

Over the weekend I flew to Chicago to surprise my BFF for his early 30th birthday party.  We were ushering out The Roaring 20s so a costume was required.  I learned that 1) wearing a blond wig, fake eyelashes and heels will make you feel oddly more attractive. 2) Wearing one eye lash into Walgreen's because you f'ed the other one up and need to buy a new set will make you feel like the main character in A Clockwork Orange 3) Just because someone's house had Guinness on tap, does not mean Irish Car Bombs are a good idea.