Thursday, May 12, 2011


As a result of some substantial weight-gain this year, I have been having a recurring daydream. It’s not a pleasant daydream; I guess it’s more like a waking nightmare…

I’m swimming in the Atlantic Ocean in the early 1800s. Oblivious to my surroundings, I am suddenly struck by a piercing and debilitating pain! In the midst of confusion I see that I have been harpooned from the back, right through my chest. It occurs to me in a moment of utter despair that a Nantucket whaling ship has mistaken me for a Beluga Whale!

I am floating in and out of consciousness as my body is being dragged over the water back to the ship. Seeing their mistake, the sailors decide that since I am already as good as dead that they might as well take advantage of my blubber. They tie me to the side of the ship to let me bleed out before slicing off the

blubber and celebrating their good fortune. My blubber is then boiled down and the resulting oil is used to light lamps in all of Nantucket for nearly a month.

Late last night I was playing kissy face with a “gentleman friend” (as my Grandma would call him) at a dimly lit restaurant downtown. At one point in-between kisses this gentleman friend said, “I like that you are a little chubby. It turns me on.”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! And there it was – the flashes of the whale and the blubber and people in 1809 Nantucket drinking a pint in front of an oil lamp, and my body tied to the side of a ship.

I suddenly lost my appetite for kissy face and suddenly wished I had control-top nylons on under my cocktail dress. Why did he have to use the word “chubby”?!?! I mean, I know it’s true – but oh, the agony of being called “chubby”! What’s next? Are people going to grab my cheeks and talk baby talk to me? Are people going to poke me in the stomach and squeal, “heeheeeee” like the Pillsbury doughboy?

Hopefully this is all the motivation I need to get serious about my health. I hope that before long the Nantucket whalers will mistake me not for a Beluga, but for an electric eel.

Cheers to being single and "a little chubby"!

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